iMULLAH Touch

Coming out of his “official” house given to him by the lovely Government right next to the very Mosque he chairs, Molvi sahab gathers all the phlegm he can and spits it on the side walk because apparently the quote of cleanliness completing half the faith is only valid inside the mosque making every area outside void of any Shariah clauses. After delving into the holy ritual of spitting, molvi sahab gawks at the female population passing by and as an immediate response to an external stimulus i.e. a female life form, a reflex action magically happens making molvi sahab reach for his crotch and scratch it like he’s about to win the lottery. Subsequently as expected he blames Satan for everything that is happening right before his eyes…

“Kia zamana agaya hei, humara eeman kamzor hogaya hei, aurat zaat ko dekho, kia kia kartee rehtee hein”

Surprisingly enough, he doesn’t think that scratching his crotch in public like a gazillion mosquitoes rammed in from somewhere is anywhere near as sinful as a lady driving. But oh well, such is life from the mullah’s eyes….Refreshing. The kids in the madrassah start to gather around molvi sahab (half of the kid population being his own, ten wives just had to leave their impact no? ) and he starts to tell them the values of “life”. Coming from someone who doesn’t know the repercussions of letting out his bodily toxins/fluids in public which can cause serious health hazards, the kids are NOT in good hands at all, but then again he’s their father and it is his right *yawn*..

After the call for prayers is made, molvi sahab returns to his house and freshens up, takes out his itr bottle and religiously pours it all over him so that he can smell like he means faith-y business. It is Friday and he has to give a sermon, molvi sahab knows exactly what he’s going to say, he’s going to rant about “Amreeka” and then call them “Jaahil” and read a few verses and then sway to the sound of his echoes and look at all the people sitting in the front rows listening to him. It’s all chalked out..

“Everyone is requested to switch their mobile foons off, my fellow Muslimeen, Amreeka is bad, amreeka thinks they are god, but there is only one god, so amreeka is blasphemy, amreeka is monogamy and polygamy, and amreeka is pathology. Amreeka is the reason the world is such a bad place because what we do is way less than what they do, we kill ourselves, they kill us, we have the right to kill ourselves, they have the right not to, amreeka is kaafir, amreeka is jaahil, and everything made by amreeka is to be boycotted effective immediately”..

“Phone rings”…

“YEH KIS JAAHIL KA PHONE HEI?”..

And a kid in the front row screams “BABA AAP KA IFOON HEI”…

*shakes head*…

Originally posted at HABLOID

14 Comments so far

  1. Dynamite (unregistered) on August 2nd, 2010 @ 1:27 am

    right upto some extent but isn’t it extremism…
    only mullah and taliban do this weird thing ….


  2. hashriani on August 2nd, 2010 @ 2:31 am

    What is extremism?!


  3. sufiblade on August 2nd, 2010 @ 9:23 am

    Interesting post, but not exactly islamabad relevant. The fine mullahs of Islamabad would never spit on the sidewalk. Heck, who uses the sidewalk anyway? ;)


  4. hashriani on August 2nd, 2010 @ 11:32 am

    I would have to disagree on the relevance to Islamabad part :)


  5. Naeem Sabir (unregistered) on August 2nd, 2010 @ 9:55 pm

    Oh … thats was funny … iMullah Touch … the title cracks me up hahahahahahahahahah


  6. p4k1stan (unregistered) on August 4th, 2010 @ 8:58 pm

    Haha, hilarious write up, very funny, and great picture…i didn’t know you had iphoones in ISB..i thought you were going to rant about how the monsoon floods caused you to wade in ankle high water? nevermind!


  7. hashriani on August 5th, 2010 @ 10:30 am

    With the shalwars above the ankles, no monsoon water can touch you. It’s a brilliant ploy, very scientific with a divine undertone.


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  9. Eek (unregistered) on August 8th, 2010 @ 2:30 pm

    Lame,
    Mullahs lecture about Amreeka and YOU post lame posts about Mullahs. You’re prolly no better than them! Go get a life.


  10. hashriani on August 9th, 2010 @ 1:39 am

    Ofcourse!


  11. Aamir Butt (unregistered) on August 10th, 2010 @ 5:31 pm

    Typical post from a typical Mullah-hater. Have you ever spent some time with a religious scholar? Have you ever thought of Mullahs as respectable people who know a lot more about Islam than a person like you who has somehow happen to get access to internet and who has, heaven knows how, got the access rights to write a blog post here. Heck, do you even know what a Mullah is or are you like million other so-called educated people who make it a point to ridicule Mullahs whenever they get a chance?

    As somebody else said, go get a life. Find a true Islamic scholar and spend some time with him to know the beauty of Islam. If you can’t find any good Islamic scholar, let me tell you one name. Go to International Islamic University, Faisal Mosque campus and ask for Dr. Abdur Rehman Saaleh and find out for yourself what a living miracle he is and what Islam is all about. Just tell him that an old student of his sent you to him. I hope he will clarify some of your misconceptions about Mullahs in general and Islam in particular.


  12. crazymonkey on August 14th, 2010 @ 10:43 pm

    @Aamir Butt, no need to feel so offended. We all know that there are good Mullahs and bad Mullahs. The bad ones eat a lot of halwa, the good ones a little less. Unfortunately, it is the bad ones that keep coming in the limelight like pop stars with those glittery turbans and other glamorized religious accessories. So your Dr. Abdur Rehman Saaleh should work on clearing the misconceptions in society and drawing a clear line between a bad Mullah and a good Mullah, instead of limiting themselves to their comfort zones and believing that the Almighty will teach the bad boys a lesson.


  13. Shahzad (unregistered) on September 28th, 2010 @ 9:10 pm

    Nothing constructive here that you are doing, except spitting your phelgem based hatred out. Please keep this blog clean.

    and just on a side question, do you really think that sort of person whom you have mentioned, would read this?

    Thanks, for writing such an enlightened post I guess?
    Seriously, you need to get out of your bubbled life and see the world.


  14. justaguy (unregistered) on October 19th, 2010 @ 12:42 pm

    VERY BIASED N USELESS SORT OF POST … u ll know one day whether Americans r ur buddies or these Mullahs … when ur buddies will grab u from ur throats…



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