Archive for the ‘Sarcastic’ Category

Traffic Signal: Smashed or Perhaps Thrashed Too

Smashed and thrashed kind of traffic signals can be witnessed even in the Capital City of Pakistan. Looking at this signal pole and broken lights brought thoughts of a horror movie to my mind. I imagined a horrifying, drooling, beastly creature whose eye had popped out. Instead of falling to the ground, and getting squashed under the mighty feet of the following fellow beast, the eye is still hanging there from the tiny tissue fragments. And as the creature moves the hanging eye dangles. (… think i am getting carried away.)

The broken signal was still functional. It stood with its head held high and kept serving the people passing by it. I wonder how it turned into its shabby broken self. My first guess was rioting people who kinda enjoy thrashing anything that comes in their way. Or it could also have been an enthusiast practicing stone throwing while keeping the signal as target. Perhaps some “angry birds” took their anger out on the poor signal they used a a pedestal.

I just wish the repair works would be on their way soon.

Traffic Signal: Smashed or Perhaps Thrashed Too

Traffic Signal: Smashed or Perhaps Thrashed Too

Tale of FBISE and the Online Result Inquiry

The result if Secondary School Certificate (SSC) Part I of Federal Board of Intermediate and Secondary Education (FBISE) is out. It means that the tense wait for the class ninth students, who had appeared in their final exams under the flag of Federal Board, is now over. Their result is out and their fates that whether they passed or not are written.

The good thing is that FBISE has a web site from where the kids (and their parents and relatives and all) can check the result. The web site is http://www.fbise.edu.pk/. The result can be searched out based on the Roll Number, Student’s Full Name or through the name of the institution. This can save everybody time and hassle of waiting in physical queues in the markets or at the school premises.

Thinking all this I also happily accessed the web site to look for the result of an acquaintance. The ordeal I had to go through in doing this was tremendous. The first was the “Server is too busy” blow that I got on my initial access. I kept getting this for quite some time. When the page with a field to enter in a Roll Number along with a Submit button appeared, I forgot all my troubles and considered the worst to be over. I entered in the Roll Number and hit the Submit button, only to be put through the torture of witnessing an “in progress” cursor which eventually ended on a “run time error”. Darn web site!

I did not lose hope and kept on receiving the “busy server” and “run time errors” for more than an hour. During that time I had tried all my options of searching the result; i.e. via the Full Name, the Roll Number and even the name of the institute. Alas! I failed again and again and AGAIN.

Just when I was about to pull out my hair, scream and punch the monitor, I was greeted by a surprise. The result page of that kid had mysteriously appeared on my screen without any errors. I thanked my stars, noted down the result and hurried away from the horrid web site.

I request the FBISE personnel to kindly take notice of this and get the web site upgraded so that people can actually benefit from it without going bonkers.

Easy steps to bring a revolution..

 

How to bring a revolution in ten easy steps:-

1) For starters, wear a lot of sunscreen if you plan to bring a revolution in the summers (because skintone is if not more, as important as the said purpose itself).

2) Wear either Nike’s or Adidas sneakers, Servis joggers don’t cut it when the cause has so much international importance.

3) Make sure you keep your latest iPOD in handy so that when the Naara’s go out of tune, you can listen to revolutionary songs by Lady gaga and Justin Beiber. John Lennon? John Lennon who?

4) Eenie meenie minie mo between Imran Khan and Zaid Hamid, one is a confused apologist, the other is a state of the art fighter sent to the world to rid the world of all Zionists, regardless of their nationality.

5) Watch a lot of star plus before you go out in the scorching heat to fight for justice.

6) Believe that everything wrong in the country is because blackwater wants it to be wrong. Yes, your alarm clock didn’t go off in the morning because blackwater wanted you to be late for class so you couldn’t learn and bring change in the world.

7) Revolution doesn’t come overnight, so ask your mothers to pack you supplies for at least two days, sandwiches, lollipops, orange juice and a good bedtime story.

8) Go to protests with the opposite sex in numbers, because while you’re ridding the world of evil and social disorder, you might even score, how cool is that?

9) Before heading out, twitter, facebook, text message your friends that you’re going on the mission of your life and if you don’t return, they should forgive you for all the wrong doings that you’ve done and return an hour later and re-do the process with, “I almost died for the country”…

10) After the protest, tell everyone that the country has gone to the dogs and then take your dogs out for a walk in the evening.

Zaid Hamid hates you.. Or vice versa?

One fine night, the best defense analyst in the world aka Zaid Hamid pondered over where his life was and where it is now ( ofcourse every news channel is marred by him cussing at the Indian Zionists, Israeli Zionists, Pakistani Zionists, Super Zionists with no real identity, so he must be doing something right, or is it?)... He decided that he would go public, and this time not refrain to cursing the zionists, the army, the dhobi who ruined his prized red hat or the local grocery store, this time he thought he’d write a few verses in English to show the world that he can write, and write he did and what he came up with, in his opinion would win him literary accolades (but the darn jews get them every time don’t they? )..

I hate the way you’re not fond of me,
and the way you mock my hair,
I hate the way you call me khwar,
I hate it when I’m here.

I hate your big dumb Zionist roots,
and the way you kick my behind,
I hate you so much it makes me a chick,
and forces me to commit this crime.

I hate the way I cry at night,
I hate how I’m so shy,
I hate it how I have no staff,
even worse when I can’t eat paye.

I hate the way I’m always found,
and the fact that I can only crawl,
but mostly I hate the way I can’t save you,
not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

YAKEEN KIJIAY!!!!

Who deserves what?


Confusion is the prime of sorrow and everything that has been happening in the land of the green and the pure for the better half of the last decade can briefly be summarized as a confused view point following an even more confusing ideology. Everyone has a brief stint of identity crisis where the greener pastures seem blue if focused on properly but even more daunting than this is the global rejection of the green.

“We deserve it; it’s just God’s way of telling us that we aren’t good people”

This is something that I get to hear very often and it just makes me sad thinking how people can so aptly point this out without paying heed to the fact that the law and order lapses and the massive failure of infrastructure is a direct consequence of the short-term thinking of everyone who has been in power for the last six decades. It has all been due to the cat and mouse game that the honchos in big government establishments play when they could have diminished their differences and given more attention to both economic and environmental sustainability.

Why sit back silently and accept this as an order from the heavens and not ask questions? Why do we always give into dogma and refuse to question anything because either it is the ultimate word or it won’t make a difference if we ask questions. We know there was a flood, we know people are dying of hunger and disease, we know it’s the worst disaster of this century; we know it will take years to get everything back to the way it was. But isn’t it about time we start pruning every little detail and make amends so that it doesn’t happen again, isn’t it time we finally stop blaming it on some sect that doesn’t go to the same place to worship as you?

Acts of barbaric undertones have been happening for as long as I can remember. There have been public beheadings, little girls have been raped, people have been tortured and the recent incident in Sialkot is no less. It did not happen because we “deserve it”. It happened because people are afraid to raise a voice against anything that goes against their confused ideologies. It happened because at the end of the day every act of heinous malicious intent is justifiable using means ranging from scriptures to principles to how it’s a religious thing and no one should question it. It’s sad, really sad.

Tell this to a mother who lost her children or a kid who can’t ever have his parents sing lullabies again, tell them that they have been isolated in this world because “we as a nation” don’t deserve anything good. It’s about time we stop fighting over personal lives on national television, it’s about time we stop joining social networking sites to enhance a political image and it’s about time we start thinking about sustainability and a long-term view because you can have the best leader who can get people together but what direction to steer them is of utmost importance.

To think nine out of ten people that I asked about the recent catastrophe and what the solution to it post-rehab could be replied:-

“It’s happening because we aren’t good Muslims and we should hit the government with “a-shoe”.
Bless you I say, bless you.

(Picture taken by me)

iMULLAH Touch

Coming out of his “official” house given to him by the lovely Government right next to the very Mosque he chairs, Molvi sahab gathers all the phlegm he can and spits it on the side walk because apparently the quote of cleanliness completing half the faith is only valid inside the mosque making every area outside void of any Shariah clauses. After delving into the holy ritual of spitting, molvi sahab gawks at the female population passing by and as an immediate response to an external stimulus i.e. a female life form, a reflex action magically happens making molvi sahab reach for his crotch and scratch it like he’s about to win the lottery. Subsequently as expected he blames Satan for everything that is happening right before his eyes…

“Kia zamana agaya hei, humara eeman kamzor hogaya hei, aurat zaat ko dekho, kia kia kartee rehtee hein”

Surprisingly enough, he doesn’t think that scratching his crotch in public like a gazillion mosquitoes rammed in from somewhere is anywhere near as sinful as a lady driving. But oh well, such is life from the mullah’s eyes….Refreshing. The kids in the madrassah start to gather around molvi sahab (half of the kid population being his own, ten wives just had to leave their impact no? ) and he starts to tell them the values of “life”. Coming from someone who doesn’t know the repercussions of letting out his bodily toxins/fluids in public which can cause serious health hazards, the kids are NOT in good hands at all, but then again he’s their father and it is his right *yawn*..

After the call for prayers is made, molvi sahab returns to his house and freshens up, takes out his itr bottle and religiously pours it all over him so that he can smell like he means faith-y business. It is Friday and he has to give a sermon, molvi sahab knows exactly what he’s going to say, he’s going to rant about “Amreeka” and then call them “Jaahil” and read a few verses and then sway to the sound of his echoes and look at all the people sitting in the front rows listening to him. It’s all chalked out..

“Everyone is requested to switch their mobile foons off, my fellow Muslimeen, Amreeka is bad, amreeka thinks they are god, but there is only one god, so amreeka is blasphemy, amreeka is monogamy and polygamy, and amreeka is pathology. Amreeka is the reason the world is such a bad place because what we do is way less than what they do, we kill ourselves, they kill us, we have the right to kill ourselves, they have the right not to, amreeka is kaafir, amreeka is jaahil, and everything made by amreeka is to be boycotted effective immediately”..

“Phone rings”…

“YEH KIS JAAHIL KA PHONE HEI?”..

And a kid in the front row screams “BABA AAP KA IFOON HEI”…

*shakes head*…

Originally posted at HABLOID

Youtube and Flickr- Need lube and a kick-er?

Life restricted? Everyone committed? details omitted and every fucked up thought in the world remitted. Welcome to Pakistan. Welcome to the land of the free and green. Welcome to the den of the Holy. Welcome to the Mecca of corruption and welcome to a place where you’re an asshole and the Government is holy and doing stuff like this will stop the Zionists from ruining our life. SOS ZAID HAMID YOU WERE RIGHT… fucking hell.. *shoots himself*

Coca Cola and rash driving = haha.

Seen today at 14:40 pm in I-8 Markaz. A coca cola truck man driving the truck like an f1 car. The result, he turns and all the crates fall. One guy comes outside and says to himself “bloody hell”…

Funny?

Hold your horses…

The other day I was driving on the margallah road and I had a unique sight. A horse galloped past my car and I being a very responsible citizen called rescue police.

I said I am driving on Margallah road and a ghora is following us, I fear there might be an accident.
The guy said, what would be his age.
I said how would I know, but it is white in color and has a grey tail
The guy said, oh you mean ghora.
I said yeah Einstein
He said sorry, I thought you said Gora

Heh, I am sure the misunderstanding was because of the blackwater fuss that has been going around in our country, but the pics are worth seeing.

And in a totally different mindframe, Bollywood no longer makes movies like Amitabh’s “Mard
” in which his horse “Badal” saves the day.

Fables are actually interesting.

Well..

Makes you thin-ck.

pinck

What a deadly.

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